Speaking to Tenali Rama Reports, Dr Rajendra Prasad marvelled at the clue Lalu Yadav had provided to the scientific community. “He has given us fodder, err, food for thought. We plan to ask Mr Yadav for a blood sample and test it to see if it has any special properties that can prevent another person from becoming PM,” Dr Prasad explained.

The team of scientists have asked the Central government to announce a special grant to enable them to undertake this difficult project. Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh has reportedly given his nod, noting “theek hai” on the file containing this request. Union HRD minister Kapil Sibal too has okayed the idea, observing that with the diminishing political equity of Lalu Yadav, it would be a zero loss to the country if his blood was used for a scientific purpose.

The scientists were however stumped when offer of help came from an unlikely quarter. Gujarat chief minister Narendra Modi called Dr Rajendra Prasad to compliment him on taking this initiative.

“Mr Modi told me to take utmost care in this project. He said the milk that Lalu drinks is from cows whose ancestors were Gujarati. He also suggested that our team of scientists should not look at the veins in Lalu Yadav’s body as containing only blood. They would also be containing some air, he said,” explained Dr Prasad.

Support has also come for `Operation Lalu’ from his political rival, Nitish Kumar. “Lalu ji and we are one in this mission to stop Modi from becoming PM. I request the Centre to grant special status to Bihar keeping this in mind,” the Bihar chief minister said.

But critics of the RJD boss say this is usual Lalu bluster. “Remember one time, everyone used to say Jab tak rahega samose me alu, tab tak rahega Bihar me Lalu. Now see, the potato is still there in samosa but Lalu has been thrown out of power in Bihar,” said Sharwanand Tiwari, a one-time ally of Lalu Yadav.

“Look, I have a Nirupama Roy-like mother coughing all the time in our 200 sq ft rented room in a Borivali chawl. A girl who I thought was my lover abandoned me because I have no job and my drunkard father deserted us for the same reason,” he said and went on to explain how his dreams of an utopian world, fuelled by Bollywood films and syrupy romantic thrillers, now lay shattered.

The last straw was his failure to get an entry into the KBC show on Sony TV though his life story had all the markings of a telegenic tear-jerker. In fact, Ankit’s friends had told him that his plight would perfectly fit into the format that the game show producers were looking for to address the “aspirational quotient”.

In his formative years, Ankit was drawn towards message-oriented movies that he watched on Doordarshan at a neighbour’s home and felt euphoric and re-assured at the end of each outing as the rich heroine, draped a chiffon saree, walked out on her family to jump into the arms of her poor lover to the accompaniment of some stirring numbers.

Salim-Javed’s scripts celebrated the triumph of love that knew no socio-economic boundaries. The Rich were the evil guys living in big bungalows with a fleet of luxury cars, dispatching their muscular henchmen in SUVs to bump off a poor lover while the Poor were honest, upright, law-abiding and morally superior.

All through his adolescent phase, Ankit’s brain became a home theatre for the Bollywood romantic numbers to play out with woofers on. They were like God particles that gave him the mass. Then, entered Neha into his life or rather into his imagination.

“She took just about a nano-second to spike my proposal. The last I saw her was when she was waiting for her company cab at Borivali junction, with her ID card hanging from her neck,” Ankit recalled. He then passionately explained how he spent years discussing with his friends about futility of pursuing a materialistic life and how he frequently punched his fist and kicked his leg into the air in a mock display of defiance.

“On one particular rainy night when my Nurupama Roy-like mother was coughing incessantly, I went to a medical shop, grabbed a medicine bottle and ran, hoping that I would transform into Amitabh Bachchan in the next frame. But, nothing of that sort happened even after running a fairly long distance. Instead, I was caught by passers-by,” the youth said.

Spelling out his future plans, Ankit said he would sue the script writers and lyricists whose profound influences had curtailed his worldview and made a mess out of his life.

(Written by Suresh Dharur)

Based on the recommendations of an expert committee, the central cabinet gave its nod to what is being billed as a revolutionary concept in governance that can provide a sense of re-assurance to various social groups who often hit the streets to express their hurt feelings.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have formulated the index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional, linguistic, caste and sub-caste status of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” said a senior official of the Planning Commission which has been chosen as a nodal agency to implement the national policy on outrage management.

By putting in place a mechanism to measure the potential outrage among various sections, India hopes to become a global leader in terms of per capita indignation. The amazing ethnic diversity and a vast pool of young, aggrieved souls provide an ideal platform for India to emerge as a superpower in the anger market with highest GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage), the officials claimed.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands.

Accordingly, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity. In another far-reaching move, the government has decided to replace the Central Board of Film

Certification with the Outrage Regulation and Management Committee headed by sagacious political thinker Digvijay Singh.

The Committee will recommend banning the movies with objectionable content even before any fringe outfit makes such a demand, thereby upholding the freedom of the potential aggrieved groups. It will also suggest cuts and audio mutes if they are deemed offensive to 25,000-odd “hyper-sensitive social denominations”.

A similar system of screening will be put in place for art galleries, literary festivals and music academies. The artistes, painters and authors will henceforth be required to submit applications in triplicate, duly attested by a gazetted officer in the presence of at least two witnesses, stating that they would take full responsibility for any violent attacks by the offended mobs.

(Contributed by Suresh Dharur)

“Hey, why is with this guy Kamal obsessed with me? In his film Dasavatharam too, he played me as one of the ten characters. Did I like it? Am I supposed to especially when Laura thought Kamal looked more cute than the real me. And now this Vishwaroopam where my photograph is the favorite shooting practise target,” Bush told Tenali Rama over phone from Washington.

Kamal Haasan Fans are planning to use Bush’s objections to tell the Muslim outfits that it is the former US president who has been projected in a negative light, not the Muslim community.

Meanwhile, President Barack Obama called Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh on Saturday and had a 20-minute long chat during which they reportedly discussed `Vishwaroopam’. Incidentally, both Obama and Dr Singh figure in the film.

Obama told the Indian prime minister that while screenshots of TV news channels show him twice, the PM is heard congratulating Kamal’s character over phone towards the end of the film.

“Oh teri ki, I did not know this. Mr Obama, I have not seen the film yet, since Jayalalithaa banned it in her state and everyone is scared of screening it in Delhi. But I am so glad Kamal showed me talking. I am so humbled. Very talented filmmaker I tell you,” Dr Singh told Obama, according to PMO sources.

The US president also told Dr Singh that `Vishwaroopam 2′ will be based in India and that both should lobby with Kamal for more screen space in the sequel.

“Theek hai. With Madam Soniaji’s blessings and Rahulji’s good wishes, we can convince Kamalji to give us a bigger role. I will send him a thankyou note immediately,” Dr Singh said.

(Ghulam Nabi Azad rushes in)

Azad : Oh, I thought the class was tomorrow. Then I forgot when is tomorrow.

Sushil Kumar Shinde : Hahahaha.

Azad : You see, my calendar has 35 days in a month. It has more than seven days in a week.

Shinde : I have cut out 28 from my calender.

Rahul Gandhi : Mom, is calendar also poison?

Digvijay Singh : No Rahulji, only power and RSS are poison.

Sonia Gandhi : We are all here for an important Maths class. Remember, 272 is the figure that we should aim at.

Yeddyurappa : I am interested in 112.

Karunanidhi : I am glad it is not 1,76,0000000000. Oh, Raja thambi, how many zeroes exactly.

Kapil Sibal : Don’t worry, it is zero loss, Karunanidhi ji

(Azad gets a phone call)

Azad : Haan, haan. Kal hai.

(turning to the others) Gabbar Singh called. He wanted to know `Holi kab hai?’ I told him it is tomorrow and confused him.

L K Advani : (ignoring what Azad said) In 1977 also, we had attended a similar Maths class with Morarji bhai. In those days …

Azad : Advani ji, why are you talking about what happened a month ago?

Advani : Month? I am talking of 36 years back.

Azad : No, Advani ji. A month can also be 36 years long. Shinde ji will resolve the Telangana issue by 2049.

Telangana MPs : Azad down down. Shinde down down. Calendar ki tanashahi nahi chalegi nahi chalegi. We want Telangana. We want Telangana.

Rahul Gandhi : Mom, is shouting poison?

(Teacher Meira Kumar enters)

Meira Kumar : Aap baith jayiye.

“When we first introduced Gadkari.org into the BJP system, I admit it was bulky and took a lot of time to download. But in the three years since 2009, we made Gadkari.org smarter and lighter. And yet it was rejected, just because the IT department was probing if there is a virus in the system,” said an upset Bhagwat to Tenali Rama.

The developers fear another veteran software developer, L K Advani, whose contract was abruptly cancelled in 2005 after he praised a Pakistan developer, M A Jinnah, is trying to stage a comeback by backing Rajnath.org.

“Rajnath.org is not bad, he is familiar with the hardware in BJP. But Gadkari.org is 100 per cent developed in Orange county, Nagpur. It is 100 per cent swadeshi. It is a pity that the contract given to RSS was violated,” said Bhagwat.

The RSS feed developers fear independent bloggers like Narendra Modi will now host their blogs directly on Rajnath.org. So far, the unwritten rule is that every blogger has to subscribe to the RSS feed from Nagpur in order to get more hits among the BJP fraternity.

The latest developments come close on the heels of its activities coming in for criticism from Inspector Sushil Kumar Shinde. The cop has accused the RSS developers of hacking into India’s security systems. The indigenously developed RSS feed has responded by saying that the Government of India is trying to get in FDI from Pakistan by cracking down on local developers.

Aries : Mercury is sweeping through your chart, with a number of interesting encounters likely in a moving bus. Ensure the bus has curtains.

Taurus : This is not a day to do things alone. If you plan to embark on a new activity, do it as part of a gang. Advisable to include some juveniles in your group

Gemini : Luck favours you today. Males born under this zodiac sign can indulge in any kind of reprehensible activity today

Cancer : A day of leisure. Towards evening, you may hit the streets today to join a group of candle marchers. Good place for professional networking and those looking for a job

Leo : You will need to take precautions today. Your pepper spray may run out of stock today. Wear an overcoat and avoid wearing skirts.

Virgo : If you are a woman, you run a huge risk from men today. Move from India to Bharat immediately.

Libra : Stay away from women today. Only stick to commitments which carry minimum risk. Avoid stalking as woman could be decoy policewoman.

Scorpio : Good day for indulging in eve-teasing today. Avoid getting carried away as chances of getting beaten up by civil society also high

Sagittarius : Chances of crossing laxman rekha high today. Wear saffron colour dress for keeping evil forces at bay

Capricorn : Stay indoors. You may be raped due to unfavourable planetary position.

Aquarius : The Sun is passing through a sympathetic region of your chart so if you call a potential rapist as “Brother” or “bhaiya” or “Anna”, chances are that it would work

Pisces : If you are a journalist, an opportunity beckons you at the end of the day. You will get a chance to ask questions.

(Inspired by a Facebook status message by Suresh Dharur)

The claim made the Congress sit up and take note of its meagre presence on Twitter. The Bill drafted by Union Telecom minister Kapil Sibal proposes to nationalise Twitter by naming it after the late Rajiv Gandhi. Once the Bill is passed, it will be called Rajiv Gandhi Twitter Sabha (RGTS).

The Bill will provide for quotas for SCs, STs, BCs, OBCs, minorities in RGTS. Old members and those signing up now will be required to declare their political allegiance as well. The number of characters, in keeping with the majority mark in the Lok Sabha, will be increased from 140 to 272.

Rahul Gandhi is understood to be enthusiastic about RGTS. A Congress leader quoted the party general secretary as saying, “RGTS can be a gamechanger but we need to handle with care.” Information and Broadcasting minister Manish Tewari told Tenali Rama that whoever has followed Rahul Gandhi on Twitter has turned out to be a winner in real life. P Chidambaram fired a salvo at Gujarat chief minister Narendra Modi, saying if the number of followers on RGTS is less than the 11 lakh followers he has on the original Twitter, the Congress would have scored a moral victory.

To win over the support of parties like the DMK, RJD, JD(S), the government will ensure that RGTS also offers family pack handles. The tagline which has won Karunanidhi’s approval is : `The family that tweets together, stays together’.

However, the passage of the Bill won’t be that easy. The BJP plans to oppose any changes in the character of Twitter. Arun Jaitley accused the government of trying to create a “country of controlled twitter handles and followers”. The party says the government is trying to reduce BJP’s strength in the online world through offline methods.

Meanwhile Home minister Sushil Kumar Shinde has refused to join Twitter, saying “tomorrow Maoists may ask me to retweet their tweets, so should I do that?” Congress MP Abhijit Mukherjee also voiced his concern that the DPs of twitteratti featured many dented and painted women.

Meanwhile, Akbaruddin Owaisi at a public meeting in Adilabad said, “Let the administrators of Twitter stay away for 15 minutes and the Muslims on Twitter will show the Hindus on Twitter who is better at trolling.” The Andhra Pradesh police has said it is studying Akbar’s tweets which are in Urdu.

Tenali Rama spoke to a cross-section of people from across India for their reactions to Karunanidhi’s suggestion. This is what they said.

P Chidambaram : This is not the forum to discuss these matters. I have called this meeting to discuss the reforms in the insurance sector. You should know what to ask where.

Sushil Kumar Shinde : Tomorrow some dhoti-clad Tamils will come and say they want to become Prime Minister, can I go and meet them?

Dr Manmohan Singh : Theek hai

Narendra Modi : I am committed to the cause of my six crore Gujarati brothers and sisters

Rahul Gandhi : There are two Indias. One that wears dhoti and speaks Tamil and the other that does not wear dhoti and does not speak Tamil.

Mamata Banerjee : Dhoti-clad? Is he a Maoist?

N Srinivasan : Was Karunanidhi speaking about me? I wear dhoti at home. BCCI President and Prime Minister of India sounds good, what say Mahi?

M S Dhoni : Anyone but Mohinder Amarnath would be ok with me

Mulayam Singh Yadav : Ab Madarasi banega Pradhan mantri? (Now a Tamilian will become PM?)

Mayawati : PM ki post ke liye aarakshan hona chahiye (There should be reservation for the post of PM)

Chandrababu Naidu : What I am saying is from the beginning we are very clear.

Jayalalithaa : Karunanidhi got the attire wrong I think

Arun Jaitley : You are going to reduce this country into a country of dhoti-clad Tamils

Deve Gowda : Dhoti-clad Tamil? Not dhoti-clad Kannadiga? Ok. Good night. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

M K Alagiri : Why not me, Appa?

M K Stalin : Why not me, Appa?

Subramanian Swamy : Hahahahaha. Mr Karunanidhi should remember that I am also a dhoti-clad Tamil

A Raja : Dhoti-clad Tamil should be made PM on first-come-first-served basis

Arvind Kejriwal : Dhoti-clad aam Tamil will do

Suresh Kalmadi : We will organise world-class Olympic Games in Chennai for the dhoti-clad Tamils.

Lalit Bhanot : Wahan Madrasiyo ka hygiene ka standard kaisa hai? (How good is the Tamil standard of hygiene?)

Venkaiah Naidu : We condemn such a proposal. Hum iss prastaav ki ninda karte hai. Memu ee prastavanannu khandistunamu

A K Antony : (smiling) : We will not allow water from Mullaperiyar dam.

(Tenali Rama interjects to inform Antony that the question is about dhoti-clad Tamil as PM, not about Mullaperiyar dam)

Antony : That is ok. My answer is about Mullaperiyar.

Rajinikanth : Hahahahaha. Naan eppo varuven epadi varuvennu yarukkum theriyathu, aana varavendiya nerathile correctaa varuven (No one knows when and how I will come, but I will be there at the right time) But Kalaignar was not talking about me because remember, I am originally Shivaji Rao Gaekwad

Meira Kumar : Karunanidhi ji, aap baith jayiye.

Karunanidhi : I am always seated, Speaker Madam.

Namaskar. I write this letter to you from Karimnagar. You know I am walking and talking since October 2nd. It was my brother-in-law, Nandamuri Balakrishna’s idea. He told me, “You should start walking on our great Mahatma Gandhi’s happy birthday. We will cut cake everywhere.” I am having lot of pain but for the sake of the voters people of Andhra Pradesh, I will walk and talk, walk and walk. What an idea from Balayya !

(Have you seen any of Balayya’s films? You should see. Especially now when you are very tense in Delhi.)

But now I am writing to you because I want to tell you where I stand on Telangana. As I mentioned in para 1, line 1, I am standing in Karimnagar. During this padyatra, I have been asking people, where we are going. They tell me we are going to Khammam. That is also in Telangana which proves my stand on Telangana from the beginning, is firm and clear.

Telangana is very dear to me. During my rule as chief minister, the region prospered. Farmers were very happy, weavers were very happy, everyone was very happy. Only Y S Rajasekhara Reddy was unhappy so he walked and made everyone unhappy.

I call my one eye as Telangana. Can anyone see with one eye? Can you? But some misguided people do not understand. So they criticised me. But I do not bother. From the beginning, I never bother.

But I want to ask you why you don’t bother. You should take care of security of our sisters. You allowed Delhi police to fire teargas, water cannons and lathicharge protesters. This is very bad. When I was chief minister, never I allowed police to do all this. They did all their shooting practise only at Basheerbagh.

Anyway to return to our topic of Telangana, I am happy that you agreed to my suggestion to convene an all-party meeting. Telugu Desam is very clear. I hope you will take note of this clarity.

Belated Christmas greetings and Happy New Year

Warm regards

Nara Chandrababu Naidu