Big match coming up today is the quarter final between Saina Nehwal of India and Tine Baun of Denmark. Saina who is world number 5 to Tine Baun’s 7, will be the firm favorite to win the match but as we all know, it is not over till the fat lady sings.

Saina who hit a purple patch at this Olympics has however, turned up in black today. And in fact, it is Tine who is the woman in blue. Whatever be the colour, one thing is for sure, the crowd assembled here at the Wembley Arena will get to watch a cracker of a match. It is a terrific crowd, terrific atmosphere.

Tine has won the toss and will serve first. It may just be a good toss for Saina to lose.

Saina is known to have an aggressive style of play. All I would say is if you got to flash, flash hard, Saina. She should play her natural game.

Saina is now leading 3-1 in the first game. Tine finding it hard to retrieve Saina’s cross-court smashes that are going like a tracer bullet. Mind you, Tine has loads of experience so she will not take time to get her eye in.

Excellent volley but this time Tine manages to get the shuttle in. Saina glares at the linesman and walks back slowly to her run-up. Her coach Pullela Gopichand is looking pensive.

Ah ! That was a nice drop shot at the net by Saina. So there you go, the doosra doing the trick for the Hyderabadi shuttler. I like the way she makes the odd shuttle to nip back. This is turning out to be a good part of the game for Saina.

Hyderabad reminds me of VVS Laxman. Saina too is very special like Laxman. Both use their wrist very well. Wonder if it is something to do with the Hyderabadi biryani.

Excellent use of the wrist in using that backhand. Saina has a good arm. My sense is something big is going to happen soon. We may see Saina cutting loose.

Ah ! that fell so close to the line. I have this feeling that Saina knew exactly where that line was. Tine making good use of her height and Saina not giving up, it looks like, this match will go down to the wire.

There you go, match point and Saina has put this one in. Game and match to Saina who is now through to the semi-finals of the London 2012 Olympics.

LONNNNNNDDDDDDDONNNNNNN … YOUUUUUUU have been an EXCELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLENTTTT crowd. And we have seen an excellent game of top-quality badminton today. But in the end, there is only winner, Saina Nehwal of India.

Well played Tine, what were your thoughts when Saina was mixing it up nicely.

“Yeah, you Indians make curry better than us Danes”

Saina, still some way to go for you in the tournament, what are your thoughts?

“If I attack well, defend well and hit well, I will win.”

That’s all from the presentation ceremony, back to the studios.

This is how a news meeting at a well-known television station decided to cover the news.

Editor : So everyone is in? OK. This bloody fire also had to happen today. Ruined my Sunday.

Production Assistant : Fire is raging, S. We asked N to go but he said he is at his in-laws home in Trans Yamuna. He suggested we sent D but D says he is yet to recover from last night’s hangover. What do we do?

Editor : Shucks. So what are we putting on air?

News Editor : I called up R and asked her to do a phone-in over pictures. She was watching `Gangs of Wasseypur’ but the background sound at the theatre made it seem as if she is on the spot. I told her about the visuals of the window and the ladder and she managed to paint a picture quite well. The viewer wouldn’t know better.

Editor : Good, that was smart thinking. Ok, now some ideas I thought of while I was driving in. Let us speak to some of the employees in the Home ministry and ask them if Chidambaram switches off the lights and fans before he leaves the office. Let us have a graphic plate that says 65 % of employees say Chidambaram is careful, 35 % say he is careless. Let us also file an RTI asking the same information. Get someone to go out to the market near our office and ask common people if they think HM of India should be more careful and remember to switch off his AC.

News Editor : Why not get some celebrities to talk about it? Will add to TRPs, you know. Can we get Karan Johar, Kareena Kapoor and may be, Virat Kohli on this.

Intern : Sir, I was googling and I found some movie made on fire called Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag. Should I contact this chap?

News Editor : No, no. Only if there is an underworld angle to the fire.

Editor : This celebrity thing is a great idea. Don’t leave out the south. Let us get Chiranjeevi. He has recently become a Rajya Sabha MP. We can ask him if he feels worried about his safety in Delhi.

Production Assistant : I will quickly tell library to take out clips of any film of Chiranjeevi, where he is fighting a fire or some stunt like that. It will look good on a split screen.

News Editor : What about candle march? Why not we get our reporters in every city lighting candles to protest against frequent fires.

Editor : Candle march for fire? Mmmm. Not so sure how it will look. P, do we have a budget for candles?

(High profile anchor walks in)

Anchor : I want to anchor this evening bulletin from outside North Block. Can we get everyone to move and organise this?

Producer : Why not put a row of mashaals in the backdrop to symbolise fire. Will look dramatic. What say?

Anchor : Yes yes. But you need petrol to light them up for an hour. Get the budget for petrol approved please.

Producer : Shall I ask Marketing guys to speak to a fire extinguisher company to sponsor the show?

News Editor : Yes please. (turning to anchor) Who do you want as guests?

Anchor : Guests do not matter. When I talk, the nation listens. And today, I want to ask some pointed questions. Get someone from the BJP. Someone who sounds angry and will talk about how this shows no one in the government works on a Sunday. And Derek from TMC. We can ask him if he will reconsider his stand on Presidential election now that government is under fire from all sides.

News Editor : Who else?

Anchor : Someone from Maharashtra government.

News Editor : Articulate fire victims? Fire officers?

Anchor : Ya ok. And yeah, a band that will perform at the end. Isn’t there some band called Agnee or Fire or something like that? Let us jazz it up.

Intern : I will google.

Editor : Let us also have a SMS question. Is India not serious about fire safety? SMS Yes or No.

News Editor : That was brilliant. I will tweet it also, make this question go viral. It will show our channel as being responsible about issues concerning society.

Editor : So let us get cracking right away.

Veena Malik of `Bigg Boss’ and the nude photograph on a magazine cover fame, has accused Aamir of revealing it all in the first episode on female foeticide. “Revealing is my forte. Okai. Revealing should be fun. Okai. Revealing in the way that Aamir did is not okai. He made men uncomfortable. Okai. That is not okai,” she explained.

Music composer Gritam has claimed the music of the show is not original. “I have heard it before. Pucca. Some Iranian song. I had even planned to get inspired by it and use it in some film. Now they have used it. Yeh ethical nahi hai. I have copyright to get inspired by Iranian songs,” he complained.

Meanwhile, Bollywood has been fullsome in its praise of one of its best known actors. Speaking to Tenali Rama from Kolkata where he was watching an IPL match, Shahrukh Khan said, “Congratulations to Aamir. I saw the first episode. It seems he was inspired by DDLJ. It is important also. If there are no dulhaniya, who will dilwale take?”

Inspired by Aamir Khan, actors Uday Chopra, Harman Baweja and Tusshar Kapoor have also announced their plans to start talk shows on the small screen. However, devotees at the Vinayaka Mandir in Bandra have organised a havan to pray that their shows do not see the light of day.

And it would seem politicians are watching `Satyamev Jayate’ as well. Former Tamilnadu chief minister M Karunanidhi has contacted the actor and requested him to do a show on how Jayalalithaa is troubling his families. “Thambi, it will be high TRP show. We can simulcast on Kalaignar TV, Kalaignar Music, Sun TV, KTV, Sun News, Sun Music also. If Jaya blocks signals in Tamilnadu, we will protest against assault on freedom of press,” he is reported to have said.

When Tenali Rama asked a cross-section of citizens in New Delhi to react to the survey findings, Giridhar (name changed on request) was outraged. “This is an eye-opener. All this while, I was given to understand that India lives in its cities. Now you are telling me that this survey reveals that some people also live in villages outside Delhi and other cities. And that they don’t have money. I will ask our club to organise a morning walk for them in support and call it `Walk for the Poor’. We will ask (beep) to cover that in Delhi (beep).”

Reactions to the survey’s findings have been pouring in. A well-known TV network plans to organise a 24-hour `Poorathon’, as part of which it will invite film stars and other Page 3 celebrities to adopt villages and specific areas in cities. “We aim to distribute at least 5 crore wallets to both the rural and urban poor. These wallets will be of aspirational value to the poor, encouraging them to earn money to keep in those wallets,” said a press release from the channel.

However, the chairman of the Press council has criticised the reportage of the findings in the media saying, “90 per cent of Indians are fools. They will not understand what to make of such news. The guys who spend more than 35 and 66 rupees in a day will now feel they are affluent and splurge on watching cricket matches.”

With indications that many of the Kingfisher Airlines employees (read earlier report) could be in the under 66 rupees bracket in India’s cities, chairman Vijay Mallya has asked the government to have a version of the MGNREGA exclusively for Kingfisher employees. “No, I am not asking for a bailout. Get that right, guys. All I am saying is whenever the pilots refuse to fly, they should be asked to work under NREGA so that they earn at least minimum wages to be able to afford a can of beer,” Mallya clarified.

“I was hoping for an emotional re-union, reserved for a long-lost boy. But what have I got in return? Nobody in the country seems to care about me,” Bofors told Arnab Goswami on `News Hour’, a programme that seeks answers from the nation on serious issues confronting the society, like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s overweight and forensic analysis of Abhishek Manu Singhvi’s CD.

Abandoned by both Sweden and India, Bofors poured his heart out during the show and pleaded with Goswami to get the nation acknowledge his pioneering role in scam-building and give him the pride of place among the big-ticket scandals. However, he was shouted down by other panellists.

“Look, things have changed now. Size does matter. Look at Spectrum, CWG and Adarsh. What is Bofors’ standing in the market? It is small from head to toe. I mean from barrel to wheel. It is like a Kiranawala taking on a Fortune-500 company. We advise Bofors to withdraw from race and accept defeat like a true sportsman,” said Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari.

A mere 64 crore kickbacks was involved in the Swedish gun deal which is peanuts and does not qualify to be called a scam, he argued and ridiculed Bofors’ plea to be recognized as the original “Con”gress man. In a rare display of solidarity, BJP spokesperson Ravishankar Prasad concurred with his political adversary and brushed aside Bofors, saying he lacks stature and qualification for a place in Bhrashtachar Bhavan.

“We have disowned Bangaru Laxman because he was caught accepting a mere Rs 1 lakh in the Tehelka sting operation. Such a small amount is an affront on our image and stature,” the BJP leader said.

With such unanimity on the panel, it was concluded that Bofors belongs to the BPL category of scams and does not serve the purpose of enhancing the TRPs of the TV channel.

“Tonight, the nation wants to know why inequalities exist among the scandals which are a pride of the nation. Your channel will work tirelessly to remove these inequalities and provide a level playing field for all scamsters,” Goswami concluded, before moving on to the next discussion to put the country’s leading nutritionists on trial for failing to check Aishwarya Rai’s weight.

(Contributed by Suresh Dharur)

Bluntly Speaking : Thankyou Mr Kinghvi for choosing to speaking to Your Channel.

Amitabh Tanu Kinghvi : It is ok. I hope you will give me enough time to explain my positions. I mean position.

BS : (in a soft voice) I know there was tremendous pressure to interview you from rival channels who would have treated you with kidgloves. (voice going softer) I appreciate you chose to take our tough questions here.

ATK : I am an adult. I hope you know that.

BS : Yes. Yes. We all know that. Mr Kinghvi, let me start from the beginning. You had a driver. Why?

ATK : I hope you will give me enough time to answer this very important question. Two reasons. Under the privileges for an MP, I am entitled to a driver. Two, as I have told several times to Mr Chidambaram and Shiela Dixit ji, I find driving in Delhi very difficult.

BS : You find driving difficult?

ATK : Yes, comparatively, riding is easier. Err, I mean a horse.

BS : Yes, yes, I understand. And this driver of yours was angry with you for some reason. And then he recorded something and was blackmailing you. Can you share with all our viewers across the world the details of what he was blackmailing you?

ATK : I hope you will not interrupt me when I am explaining. I like to focus on the job at hand.

BS : Yes, I have heard about it.

ATK : One day the driver recorded some stuff and showed it to me. I told him it is shot very badly. I tell you, very unprofessional work. Bad lighting. Angle was wonky. If you as a television professional had seen it, you would have slapped him.

BS : What did you do?

ATK : I am a more kind soul so I tried to buy the footage from him. But he refused to part with it. I told him since my premises have been used, the copyright rests with me and two, since neither I, as the hero of the film nor the other cast have been paid any remuneration, I will obtain a stay on the release of the film. He argued that it was a hard hitting subject and for some inexplicable reason, he emphasised on both `hard’ and `hitting’. He said he will pay my fee after he got the money from the channelwallahs. I told him, nothing doing.

BS : But then we heard a dog story in between. What was that about?

ATK : Ah, there you see. I like that you have done your homework. I suggested that the dog story be added to the plot to make it more rivetting. Did you like it?

BS : Sorry, Mr Kinghvi, my views do not matter. I am a small fry, who only tries to ask the right questions. Without fear or favour. You know, that is why we are the most watched channel in India. We believe in hard hitting journalism. Journalism that matters.

ATK : Ok ok ok. Don’t wear your marketing cap on now. Can we continue?

BS : Yes. Ok, that was about the dog. Mr Kinghvi, I saw the video on Youtube. But you cannot really make out much.

ATK : No, I could make out. I did make out.

BS : Ah, you are lucky. But the audio quality was poor.

ATK : Yes, I agree, the quality isn’t good, as I told you. Now you see, everyone will call me unprofessional. This driver has ruined my reputation. Now everyone will judge me by this, no one will remember my earlier performances.

BS : You did try to take it off Youtube as soon as it was uploaded, didn’t you, Mr Kinghvi?

ATK : I want to ask you a counter question. Do you want India to be a nation of voyeuristic citizens? As my esteemed colleague Manish Tewari would say, voyeuristic from head to toe. I wanted zero loss to my and my country’s image so yes, I got the video removed. But our IT laws are so pathetic that it popped up again, with a new link. I will request Kapil Sibal to explore all the links.

BS : By links, are you by any chance referring to the opposition?

ATK : Yes. I have information that some opposition leaders too have watched the video. This is the real chaal, charitra and chehra of the opposition.

BS : Mr Kinghvi, I just want to ask at the end, are you embarrassed?

ATK : Of course, I am embarrassed. Just imagine, when the Americans watch this video, they will think so poorly of us. That a shelf with so many law books has been shot so poorly.

BS : Mr Kinghvi, you are avoiding my question.

ATK : No I am not

BS : Yes you are, Mr Kinghvi

ATK : No I am not

BS : Yes you are

ATK : No. Allow me to complete. Everyone in India believes the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That is utter nonsense.

BS : Right. So?

ATK : So nothing. I just remembered the phrase so I said it.

BS : Mr Kinghvi, do we see you back as the spokesperson of your party?

ATK : No I want to move on in life. I have wasted enough evenings sitting with you guys here. I will spend more time at the bar now.

BS : C’mon, you shouldn’t drown your sorrows in alcohol, Mr Kinghvi. Cheer up.

ATK : I was referring to the court, my dear friend. I will become a crusader against misuse of CCTV and other hidden cameras. They are a huge security risk. You people in the media should highlight this issue.

BS : Right sir, your advice is well taken. Thankyou very much for speaking to `Bluntly Speaking’.

The panel has censured the minister, saying collective responsibility of the cabinet demanded that he share the information with his colleagues. “But he showed little inclination proving that he does not have a big heart,” the report said.

However, members of the panel also felt that the two cameramen who shot the footage from the press gallery also had a good view of the porn clip and has recommended strict action against them. It said : “It is unbecoming of the mediapersons that when they should be recording serious debates inside the House, they were watching porn clips. It shows how low the standards of our media are. If they want to watch porn, they should watch it at their home, not in our House.”

Former chief minister B S Yeddyurappa, who is leading a revolt against Sadananda Gowda lamented the fall in standards of debate inside the Assembly. “Because I am not CM, it is the reason why MLAs are looking at other things. Make me the chief minister and I promise there will be quality stuff to watch,” he said, flashing the `V’ sign.

The recommendation to censure the camerapersons has invited the wrath of the media. Starting Tuesday evening, `Times Now’ will do a non-stop 100 hour long coverage of the porn scandal, in which, just like during the election results, Arnab Goswami will be walking and talking and ask pointed questions looking at the camera. 

Reacting to the development, West Bengal chief minister Mamata Banerjee said, “Action should be taken for raising passions. Look at Trinamool. We took action against Dinesh Trivedi for raising passenger fare.”

Rakhi Sawant, who visited Parliament last week, has now promised to visit Vidhana Soudha in Bangalore. “By Jeejus, by God, I will go to Bangalore. Mere ko bahut insult feel huwa that Karnataka MLAs were watching Iranian women. Shame Shame. Don’t they know Rakhi Sawant? By God. I am sending them DVDs of my `pardesiya yeh sach hai piya sab kehte hai tune mera dil le liya’.”

The National Investigation Agency (NIA) which surveyed the incident site this morning, reportedly told Union Home minister P Chidambaram that only an inspector like Daya could crack this case. “He has the experience of breaking many doors,” an NIA sleuth told PC, recommending that Daya be part of Pradyuman’s team.

“Who is this Pradyuman and who is Daya?” Chidambaram is reported to have enquired. A Google search on his Blackberry provided PC with the answer, as he wondered loudly why no one told him these guys have been solving cases since 1997.

“I must tell Kalanidhi Maran that Sun TV too should telecast CID, instead of all the Mamiyaar-Maatupen soaps,” said Chidambaram. “Let people in the south also know ACP Pradyuman. Maybe they can name him Muthuraman in Tamil.”

PC is also learnt to have expressed dismay that despite cracking thousands of cases so far, Pradyuman remains an ACP. “Our systems are at fault. Which is why I did not even know. You come back from Israel, Iran or wherever, you will be promoted,” PC is reported to have promised ACP Pradyuman.

Pradyuman is believed to have had a preliminary meeting with his team and concluded “kuch gadbad to hai”. Ordering Daya and Abhijeet to “Chanakyapuri ka kona kona chaan maro”, he reminded them that “goli kahin se bhi chal sakti hai”. Forensic expert Dr Salunkhe will also be part of the CID team and in an interesting first, lawyer KD from `Adalat’ also has been roped in to provide legal expertise to the CID team.

Sony TV has already bagged the rights to telecast the investigation episodes over two weekends. To ensure Sony does not run away with the TRPs during that time, Colors has already announced it will air Salman Khan’s `Bodyguard’, `Ready’, `Dabangg’ and `Wanted’ back-to-back at the same time.

Speaking to `Tenali Rama Reports’, Inspector Daya confessed he is very excited about the case. “I am looking forward to slapping the main accused at the end of the investigation, after which he will describe in detail how he masterminded the plot and carried out the attack. As you know, we keep it very simple.”

Meanwhile, Salman Khurshid said at an election meeting in Uttar Pradesh that Sonia Gandhi’s grandchildren had tears in their eyes, when they learnt CID has been given the responsibility to investigate the case. “It is their favorite serial on TV. They are planning to write a thankyou note to Chidambaram uncle,” he said. 

“In return, we could have promised Bangalore Royal Challengers will never defeat Mumbai Indians in the IPL,” a Mallya aide was heard saying.

Another disappointed soul is former IOA boss Suresh Kalmadi. Sources in Tihar Jail told Tenali Rama that for the last three months, Kalmadi has been busy preparing a proposal to give to Mukesh Ambani to sponsor the Olympics in India. Among the sops offered in his proposal are that the government of India will give Ambani ownership of all the “world class stadia” in Delhi, which will be named after different members of the Ambani family. Not only that, even though the Olympics will be held in Delhi, they would be called the Dhirubhai Ambani Olympics.

Analysts are discussing what this could mean for India in 2012 and beyond. Fileep Gudgaonkar, former editor of one of India’s most widely read newspapers said, “For one, Mukesh Ambani could now have the second most important job in India. Two, it is quite possible that the UPA government could turn to Ambani to bail the country out of the financial crisis. You never know, Ambani or his nominee could be India’s industries minister.”

The PMO has dismissed such theories as kite flying. “Mr Mukesh Ambani is engaged in providing India with a responsible media and we wish him all the best in his endeavour,” a statement said. However, Congress general secretary Digvijay Singh has accused the RSS of trying to sabotage Ambani’s media foray and termed them anti-national.  

“Mukesh called me at 5 pm yesterday to discuss this,” claimed Digvijay Singh.

 Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports from BCCI suggest that Ambani-owned Mumbai Indians could be given preferential treatment during the next IPL auction. The auction will be thrown open to other league teams only after Nita Ambani has bought players of her choice for her IPL team.  

Our correspondent from Chennai reports that director Mani Ratnam has refused to confirm or deny rumours that he is working on `Guru 2′ which will focus on Mukesh Ambani.   

(Pic courtesy : www.myjourneytobillionaireclub.com)

“Arrey, how much time can we show L K Advani and Manmohan Singh yaar. Nothing is delivered there. Country ko next generation ka news maangta. Whether anyone likes it or not, we will do a Peepli Live to Aamir Khan,” he declared.

Predictably the film industry went gaga over Aamir and Kiran’s latest production. Though technically since the baby is born to a surrogate mother, it is an outside production for Aamir Khan. “You can say `Presented by’ Aamir Khan Productions. And let me also tell you Aal izz well,” said a spokesperson for the actor, adding that Aamir worked very hard on this, just like he does on all his projects. “You see, he already has experience of how a baby is delivered. Remember that climax scene in `3 idiots’. Aamir is passionate about his films. He always gets inspired,” she added.

Salman Khan said he is very happy for Aamir. “Arrey bhai, Andaz apna apna,” he remarked adding, “I knew he Khan do it. Jo Jeeta wohi Sikander.” Shahrukh Khan tweeted `congrats to Aamir and KKKKKKK Kiran’, adding he cannot wait to see the baby, announcing that he will present the little one with a DVD of his `Ra.One’. “The kid will love it. It also has the trailer of Don2. He should know his dad is not the only talented Khan in Bollywood, you see,” he said.

The baby was delivered on December 1 and just a day before that, UNICEF appointed Aamir as its national brand ambassador to promote child nutrition. “No it does not mean that Aamir’s next directorial venture will be Taare zameen par part 2,” his spokesperson explained.

Asked if Aamir too, like the Bachchans, will ask people what to name his son, his spokesperson replied in the negative. “Aamir has never believed in awards and so he will not award that right to anyone else.” Meanwhile Abhishek Bachchan, when asked if the family has finally decided on the name, replied, “No idea. My mailbox is still loading, loading.”

Meanwhile, Viveik Oberoi was spotted at the venue of the press conference of Aamir’s spokesperson, distributing DVDs of the trailer of his forthcoming film `Watch Indian Circus’. His managers had done the same outside Jalsa last week, when Amitabh and Abhishek were at a press conference, sharing details about the arrival in their family.

(Pic courtesy : www.chakpak.com)