New Delhi : Defence minister A K Antony has clarified that he did not mean any disrespect to the office of the President when he said, “I am not a madman” when asked if he was in the running for the post of the country’s first citizen.

“Vaat is dhis? I say vaat is dhis. I simbly said I am not a mad man to run in a veshti. You see, I find it difficult to run when I am wearing a veshti. And you people simbly created a controversy. Absolutely rubbish. No, let me clarify, I am neither running nor running away,” an annoyed Antony said.

But back home in Kerala, the Veshti Manufacturers Association of Kerala has slammed Antony for giving the humble attire a bad name. Speaking to reporters in Kochi, President of the Association M Sasikumar emphasised that it is in fact easier to run wearing a veshti. “This summer, we will introduce a veshti called `President Veshti’ and organise a race on the Mullaperiyar dam to demonstrate how fast Malayalees can run wearing a veshti. We will invite Sreesanth as our chief guest,” he said.

“That is absolutely right,” agreed Congress MP Shashi Tharoor. “In Kerala’s humid climate, wearing a veshti helps in the evaporation of sweat. In my opinion, anyone wearing a veshti should not find his equity reduced as a result. I have even played cricket wearing one.”

This much ado about the veshti has drawn DMK chief M Karunanidhi from across the border into the debate. He said if wearing veshti is a criterion, then he would like to propose the name of his son M K Alagiri for the post of President of India. “He wears veshti, Tamilnadu veshti. Unlike Antony, he can run. He has done enormous service to our family and party so I think he is a deserving candidate,” Karunanidhi said. Political analysts say Karunanidhi wants to ensure Alagiri goes to Rashtrapathi Bhavan so that the road is clear for Stalin to aim for the Tamilnadu chief minister’s post.

Meanwhile to neutralise the candidature of Sam Pitroda and Alagiri, two former chief ministers from Maharashtra have thrown their hat into the ring for the President’s job. Sources close to these politicians told Tenali Rama that it would be in the fitness of things that a Maharashtrian President is succeeded by another Maharashtrian. Pointing to the huge expanse of vacant land in Rashtrapathi Bhavan estate, they showcased their expertise in making judicious use of land and apartments in Maharashtra when they were chief ministers and hence are projecting themselves as the Adarsh choice for the job in Congress circles. Sources told Tenali Rama that a well-known film producer-director is willing to give up land in Maharashtra if he is alloted land near Rashtrapathi Bhavan instead.

P.S. Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari has clarified that being a Veshtiboy did not give any candidate an edge over anyone else. “We want someone who is clean from head to toe,” he said.

(Pic courtesy : veethi.com)

Spokespersons of INTUC and CITU told Tenali Rama that to make it an effective protest against Anna’s way of thinking, once the hartal ends at 6 pm, everyone in Kerala should go to the nearest wine or toddy shop and drink themselves silly. “Thank God it is Friday. So let us make Friday night an Onam night,” they said in chorus. Every year on Onam, Keralites consume huge quantities of liquor.

Punjab, Tamilnadu and Andhra Pradesh too have supported Kerala’s decision to oppose Anna. Tamilnadu bars have started laying off any bar attender whose nickname is `Anna’. Posters with slogans of `Make it large’ have appeared in many towns of Punjab though some proprietors in north India in their enthusiasm to cash in on the anger of the people have got their spellings wrong (see accompanying pic).

Meanwhile a TV channel carried a sting operation on former Team Anna member, Swami Agnivesh where he was seen talking to a person who he called Vijayji. “Vijayji, yeh to bilkul paagal ki tarah ho gaye hai, jaise koyi haathi,” Agnivesh is heard saying. The suspicion is that he was talking to Vijay Mallya, whose vast liquor empire could get affected if people heed Anna’s call to give up drinking. But Agnivesh insists he was speaking to Vijay Amritraj and the topic of discussion was how once again, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi were contemplating a split. 

Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari has equated Anna Hazare with the Taliban and said this is proof that Anna is “Taliban from head to toe”. Taking objection to the remark, the RSS in a statement from Nagpur, has said Anna is 100 per cent Bharatiya and calling him Taliban is an insult to Indian and Hindu culture.

Actor Om Puri who called MPs names from Anna’s stage at Ramlila Maidan in August has now done an U-turn and announced withdrawal of support to Team Anna. Talking to reporters, the celebrated actor said “yeh anpadh aur ganwaar hai. They should know India is a democratic country where everyone has the right to drink.” When asked by reporters if he was inebriated while making the comments, Puri denied he was drunk and said “I have just flown back into Mumbai by Kingfisher, jahan pe to paani tak nahi poochte hain ji.”

(Twitpic by Gul Panag)

“The cricket board has insulted Kerala,” fumed Sports minister, K B Ganesh Kumar. Instructions have been issued to all trade unions that henceforth no self-respecting Malayalee is to play cricket when there is a bandh or a hartal observed in the state. Youth are to be encouraged to play football instead, said Ganesh Kumar, oblivious to the fact that it was the management of Kochi Tuskers, that had scored a self-goal.

The decision came in for sharp criticism from Congress MP from Thiruvananthapuram and self-confessed cricket lover, Shashi Tharoor, who played a role in getting the IPL to Kerala.

“It is not for the government to say that youngsters should sweat only over a game of football and not cricket,” said an angry Tharoor. “This is no way to bring equity to sport in Kerala. This is not in the spirit of the game. It is like treating the people of Kerala like cattle class.”

It may be recalled that Tharoor had to quit his job at the External Affairs ministry, after revelations that Sunanda Pushkar, who he married later, was to receive sweat equity from the Kochi IPL management.

In a late night tweet, Tharoor announced his decision to protest against the decision by traveling around his constituency wearing gloves and a cricket cap with a bat in his hand. Donning pads over his veshti (his attire while he is in Kerala) is, however ruled out.

Using his discretionary powers, King Indra immediately decided to outsource the job of opening twitter handles for all 33 crore Gods to an agency run by Narada, without taking the auction route. “You do not need to call for tenders. There will be zero loss to the GoI,” advised Raja Kubera, the powerful minister of Finance, Telecom & IT.

The bigger challenge for Government of Indralok, however, is to deal with the request to supply free iPads or Tablets to the large number of demanding Gods. The government has instead offered an interest-free loan and constituted a GoM under the chairmanship of Lord Bramha to sort out the issue.

The cabinet which met on Monday, also took note of the revelry in God’s own country, on Onam, when Malayalees drank liquor worth 235 crores. King Mahabali, who gets to visit Kerala only once in a year on Onam, was singled out for praise for keeping his subjects in high spirits. However, his request to make a second visit on 31 December, was turned down.

The meeting also noted “with pleasure” that the 42 crore rupees worth diamond crown donated to the Tirumala temple by tainted mining baron Gali Janardhana Reddy, will not be returned. Lord Venkateswara pointed out that in the face of stiff competition from his counterpart in Thiruvananthapuram, returning a donation would not be acceptable to him. The Gods however, did not discuss the affairs of Sree Padmanabhaswamy temple as it is subjudice.

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The meeting was convened after unions in Kerala were very upset that their numero uno status as Hartal’s own country was being robbed by Andhra Pradesh, more specifically the Telangana region. At the meeting, the members admitted Malayalees have become the butt of jokes as the hartal graph in Kerala was showing a downward spiral.

“We have become laidback. We are no longer working towards a successful bandh,” said E.Joseph, a senior union leader. “It is not enough to say that Telangana is an emotive issue so it is easier to enforce a bandh there. Ensuring people do not work, means a lot of hard work.”

B. Muralidharan Nair, another leader, told Tenali Rama that when it was pointed out at the meeting that 17 bandhs of different kinds have been organised in Telangana since December 2009, he hung his head in shame.

“Keralites will never be able to feel proud of themselves, if this trend continues. We are already lagging behind in most social indices. Now we will be beaten even in the number of bandhs and hartals we organise,” he said.

Briefing the press after the meeting, L Aravindan, newly appointed spokesperson of KASH said, “It has been decided that we will now surprise the Malayalees with more sudden bandhs and make them more unpredictable. For instance, in the same town of Palakkad or say Kottayam, one area will see a bandh, another area will be open. This way, Malayalees will forever be on tenterhooks whether they are open or shut.” Tenali Rama has learnt that the consensus was that this will improve the statistical data at the end of the financial year on how many bandhs were enforced in Kerala.

The acronym KASH, the members unanimously agreed, would suitably reflect one of the main aims of calling for hartals because they are also an occasion to collect cash from those who defy the hartal.

The competition is now not just between states like Kerala and Andhra Pradesh but those aspiring to be states as well. The Bandh association of Telangana has been mooted and shortened to BAT, to motivate the people of Telangana to bat for their cause and ensure an innings victory in achieving statehood.

Not to be outdone, the coastal Andhra region, in its typical spirit of one-upmanship has named its association as Bandh Association of Andhra Pradesh or BAAP (to signify they will drive to be `baap’ or father of all bandhs). Rayalaseema is more happy with Bandh Association of Rayalaseema, hoping BAR will keep bandh-enthusiasts in the region in high spirits.

(This news report is a work of fiction)

Pic courtesy : www.harthal.com