When Tenali Rama asked him, why he had put up only two stumps, Yeddyurappa explained that the two stumps represent his trademark victory sign with two fingers. “They also represent my two desires in life. One, is to once again become the chief minister of Karnataka. Two, to remain the Chief minister of Karnataka for ever,” Yeddy explained.

While the IPL board has decided to admit Yeddy into the RCB team as a special case, team owner Vijay Mallya has made it clear he won’t `buy’ Yeddyurappa. “If I have to buy him, dude, I would have to take back the salaries from all the Kingfisher staff that we paid only this week,” Mallya told Tenali Rama. Yeddyurappa is reportedly fine with that, as he believes he is priceless.

Mallya however, will have to deal with another problem. Yeddy’s condition is that he should be the captain of the RCB team, replacing Daniel Vettori. At the time of filing this report, the issue hadn’t been resolved yet.

RCB however, sees some merit in playing Yeddyurappa. According to his coach, Yeddy is an impatient batsman in the Virender Sehwag mould and can be a matchwinner on his day. However, he has a notorious reputation of standing his ground, even when he is given out. And as he is known to be a short-tempered person, RCB players aren’t sure if he won’t do to them or to rival players what he did to Venkaiah Naidu’s laptop. Or to make a cricketing comparison, what Harbhajan did to Sreesanth.

But there won’t be support lacking for Yeddyurappa when he is at the crease. All the BJP MLAs who support him have promised to turn up to watch him play. Yeddy plans to construct a temple at the entrance to the Chinnaswamy stadium in Bangalore and an elephant from Kerala will be brought to bless him, after he pads up.

Chennai : Tamilnadu’s finance minister O Panneerselvam has been declared the most fit politician in the state. Chief minister J Jayalalithaa made the announcement at a function in Chennai on Sunday evening, showering high praise on Panneerselvam’s obsession with keeping himself fit.

“People think he is prostrating before me and the media has a field day, publishing all those photographs,” mocked Jayalalithaa. “Little do they know that Panneerselvam is in fact, exercising. On days, when I summon him for an early morning meeting and he misses his morning exercise, he bends his back at Poes Garden.”

Panneerselvam was chief minister of Tamilnadu for a brief period in 2001-02 when Jaya’s appointment as CM was quashed by the Supreme court and is considered a fierce loyalist. Receiving the award, he said, “When people say I do not have a spine, I laugh. Because I wonder how did they find that out.”

The award interestingly announced on April 1, has however, caused a consternation in Tamilnadu’s political circles. Actor-turned-politician Vijaykanth, who is popularly called `Captain’ in Tamilnadu said, “ I am Gapten. Hic. This is an insult to me, my fans and my party. Hic. DMDK will move a privilege motion in the Assembly because it should have been my privilege to be declared the most fit politician. Hic.”

Kollywood has refrained from commenting on the award. Rajinikanth was his usual humble self, merely smiling and saying, “Kanna, God is Great.” However, comedien Vadivelu who campaigned for the DMK in the elections last year, inexplicably flared up, shouting, “Nonsense, idiot, shut up.”

Meanwhile, B S Yeddyurappa has released a photograph of his, to demonstrate how fit he is. In a statement issued from Bangalore, the former Karnataka CM said, “It is heartening to note that fit ministers are being encouraged. I am also healthy and very fit. Our national president Nitin Gadkari ji knows the importance of good health. I hope Gadkari ji will see my photograph (enclosed) and agree to my appointment as the next chief minister of Karnataka.”

(Pic courtesy : nakkeeran.com)

Tenali Rama : This is quite a sensational disclosure you are making, Mr Kumaraswamy? Do you remember what deal it was for and what was the nature of the bribe?

H D Kumaraswamy : I remember that day very well. My father was very annoyed with Karnataka chief minister J H Patel who had not offered coffee and bisibelabath to one of my father’s friends in Bangalore. Appa took it as a personal insult. I was sitting with him when he was scolding Patel over the phone when this person, whose name I will not reveal, walked in and said he wanted to discuss about a defence deal. My father was very angry, he told him, he is busy sorting out a national problem at the moment and defence matters can wait. But this person persisted and said, he can solve any problem if the PM okayed his deal.

Tenali Rama : Did Mr Gowda grant him an audience?

HDK : That man was persistent. My father heard him out. He said he could offer 5.75 % commission to the PM if the deal went through. That is when Appa lost his cool.

Tenali Rama : 5.75%? What audacity?

HDK : Exactly. Appa had the same reaction. He was very upset that it was not a round figure. I remember he shouted, what is 5.75%. Like that Kishore Kumar number, paanch rupaiya baarah anna. Appa felt very insulted and asked him to get out.

Tenali Rama : So it was a short meeting?

HDK : No, that person did not leave. He said, he could help ensure Ramakrishna Hegde will not have any political friends. Hegde, God bless his soul, if you remember, was my father’s bitter political rival in Karnataka. That got Appa really interested.

Tenali Rama : Sounds very suspicious.

HDK : Yes, very thrilling like my Kannada pictures I used to produce then. (chuckles) You see my father did not understand all this defence, pepence. He was only interested in Karnataka.

Tenali Rama : So you are categorically saying no bribe was given to Mr Deve Gowda?

HDK : (stares at the gold rings on his fingers for a long time) No. Absolutely not.

Tenali Rama : Why didn’t the PM order a probe then? Surely an offer of bribe made to the PM is a very serious matter.

HDK : You see, it was a hot afternoon when the meeting happened. Appa was feeling very sleepy. Besides, he thought 5.75% is such a meagre percentage and that Pakistan will laugh at us that look, this PM is offered peanuts.

Tenali Rama : Mr Kumaraswamy, you are not understanding the seriousness of the issue. The Prime Minister of India is sought to be bribed.

HDK : Yes yes, I am serious. My father told that person that if he did not keep his promise on Hegde, he will order a CBI probe against him.

Tenali Rama : What is the purpose of making this claim public now?

HDK : In national interest. We are patriots. This is the moment my father will rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Remember he had said in Parliament that he will rise. Ah, it is evening now, he must have got up now.

Tenali Rama : So what is your next course of action?

HDK : We demand the dismissal of the Sadananda Gowda BJP government in Karnataka.

Tenali Rama : But what is the connection?

HDK : When did I say there is a connection. Now, ok, interview over. Bye bye.

The panel has censured the minister, saying collective responsibility of the cabinet demanded that he share the information with his colleagues. “But he showed little inclination proving that he does not have a big heart,” the report said.

However, members of the panel also felt that the two cameramen who shot the footage from the press gallery also had a good view of the porn clip and has recommended strict action against them. It said : “It is unbecoming of the mediapersons that when they should be recording serious debates inside the House, they were watching porn clips. It shows how low the standards of our media are. If they want to watch porn, they should watch it at their home, not in our House.”

Former chief minister B S Yeddyurappa, who is leading a revolt against Sadananda Gowda lamented the fall in standards of debate inside the Assembly. “Because I am not CM, it is the reason why MLAs are looking at other things. Make me the chief minister and I promise there will be quality stuff to watch,” he said, flashing the `V’ sign.

The recommendation to censure the camerapersons has invited the wrath of the media. Starting Tuesday evening, `Times Now’ will do a non-stop 100 hour long coverage of the porn scandal, in which, just like during the election results, Arnab Goswami will be walking and talking and ask pointed questions looking at the camera. 

Reacting to the development, West Bengal chief minister Mamata Banerjee said, “Action should be taken for raising passions. Look at Trinamool. We took action against Dinesh Trivedi for raising passenger fare.”

Rakhi Sawant, who visited Parliament last week, has now promised to visit Vidhana Soudha in Bangalore. “By Jeejus, by God, I will go to Bangalore. Mere ko bahut insult feel huwa that Karnataka MLAs were watching Iranian women. Shame Shame. Don’t they know Rakhi Sawant? By God. I am sending them DVDs of my `pardesiya yeh sach hai piya sab kehte hai tune mera dil le liya’.”

“What the SC, in effect, has said is that Gowda was exercising his fundamental right when as prime minister, I dozed off during official functions and meetings. I demand that the post of PM should be returned to me,” said Gowda at a press conference.

Gowda was a lensman’s delight in 1996-97 as he couldn’t help catching up on his forty winks in public. He was fully awake only when he had to settle some petty political scores with his rivals in Karnataka. On Friday, Gowda claimed he led one of the most honest governments in independent India.

“Unlike other governments where ministers burn the midnight oil to make money through corrupt deals, I believed in the dictum that all sleep and no work makes Gowda a healthy boy,” he explained.

Deve Gowda’s son and former Karnataka chief minister H D Kumaraswamy said he was thankful to his father for inculcating the right values. “I also try to sleep whenever I can. Both when I was a film producer and now as a politician,” he said.

To mark the occasion, Gowda also unveiled a new brand of HDTV, introduced by one of his followers from Mandya. BJP and Congress leaders have demanded a probe to find out the identity of the entrepreneur’s sleeping partner, who has parked his money in the project under a benaami name.

“The feature that I like most about this TV is that the set is so intelligent that it slips into Sleep mode, the moment it sees its viewer dozing off. I have installed one in my room. And yes, the H D in my name also stands for High Definitition. Just watch out, I will redefine Indian politics now,” said Gowda.

The press conference however, had to be abruptly terminated as Gowda refused to take any questions, as it was nearing siesta time.

“I am from an honest family and a responsible father. I am pained at reports appearing in the media suggesting I watched pornographic film in the Assembly when discussions about drought conditions were in progress. In fact, before I entered the Assembly, I received a series of mails from an unknown email id stating they have shocking pictures of women indulging in flesh trade as drought conditions have driven them to despair. This is similar to the Andaman & Nicobar islands episode, the mail message warned. So when the Assembly session was on, I wanted to bring to the notice of the august House the horrible condition of women in drought-hit areas. But to my utter shock, when I opened the attachment, I found women without dress. As these women looked like foreigners, I also shared the videos with my colleagues to get their clarification on whether they looked like foreigners. I am very happy to tell you that my colleagues concurred with my suspicion that they were foreigners without dress.

I want to clarify that I did not want to bring disrepute to the House or the government and suspect sabotage by forces bent upon destabilizing the government. This government under the Chief Minister is bringing a lot of welfare schemes aimed at uplifting the poor and downtrodden. I have asked the Chief Minister to order a probe into this episode and have also told him that a fact-finding mission should be sent to drought-hit areas to ascertain whether women are indulging in flesh trade for livelihood. The Chief Minister has promised to look into the matter. I hereby declare that any newspaper indulging in damaging reports like this will be sued in the court of law. I request the media to act and report responsibly.

Finally, I want to submit that the quality of video recording was very poor. That is the reason why I played the clip several times to see the subject matter better.”

`Tenali Rama Reports’ has learnt that the government is considering a probe on the angle of sabotage suggested by the Minister. Terrorist organizations, such as Indian Mujahideen, which usually send mails about bomb blasts are under the scanner and suspects arrested in connection with Bangalore blast case may be questioned in connection with this episode.

Meet anyone in Bangalore and this scandal is being discussed. A private secretary to a minister told this  correspondent that “a leading Hollywood director has enquired asking for the video to be used in his upcoming film.” As part of the probe, the videos will be scrutinised and there is reportedly a scramble to a member on that inquiry committee.

(Contributed by Venkatesh Krishnamoorthy)

“Yeddyurappa did not break my laptop, Yeddyurappa ji ne mera laptop nahi toda, Yeddyurappa garu na laptop pagalgotta ledhu, Nanna laptopannu Yeddyurappa odiyalilla, Yeddyurappa avargal enadhu laptop udaikka villai, ” Venkaiah Naidu had said in his characteristic multi-lingual statement.

Once Yeddy developed chest pain and was admitted to Jayadeva hospital, the hospital went offline as well. Doctors locked away their lappys, iPads, iphones and blackberries. A doctor told Tenali Rama on condition of anonymity that in a stressful state, Yeddyurappa could destroy anything that comes before him. The former CM is notorious for his short temper.

In a statement, Karnataka’s IT Network has expressed concern over how India’s Silcon Valley has been Bangalore-d and has called for bail for Yeddyurappa at the earliest.

Meanwhile, President Obama who is paranoid about the US getting Bangalore-d, has written a personal letter to Yeddy, describing him as a true friend of the American people. Obama has also invited him to dinner at White House, whenever he is out of jail. But the dinner is unlikely to be organized on the White House lawns, fearing that Yeddyurappa may suggest that Obama denotify the land.

God’s own company is not the only wish expressed by Yeddy. The second desire is even more mammoth, literally. Yeddy wants an elephant next to his barracks so that when he gets up in the morning, he is greeting by the pachyderm’s sight. This, his astrologer has counseled him, will bring him good luck. Yeddy, when he was CM, donated elephants to several temples in Kerala and Karnataka.

Karnataka’s chief minister Sadananda Gowda, sympathetic to his predecessor’s plight, has asked the state wildlife department to arrange for an elephant at the earliest. When Tenali Rama contacted Chief Wildlife Warden, K S Somappa, he said sending only one elephant to jail is not advisable. “It will have to be a family pack of a mother elephant and her baby and a mahout to look after them. We are in touch with the police to locate a mahout who has some petty case booked against him, so that we are in the clear as far as law of the land is concerned,” he added.

Yeddyurappa is clearly taking inspiration from his former colleague, Gali Janardhana Reddy, who prays to the snake God inside Hyderabad central prison.

Meanwhile, Ananth Kumar, Yeddyurappa’s bete noire in Karnataka politics, has denied that he distributed envelopes with 1000 rupees notes to journalists in Bangalore, requesting them to give wide coverage to Yeddyurappa’s journey to jail.

The man responsible for Advani’s desire to take the road frequently travelled is an undertrial at Hyderabad’s Chanchalguda Prison, Gali Janardhana Reddy.

At a BJP meeting in July, the Bellary Reddy had demanded that he be bestowed with the title of the `Iron man of India’ instead of `Lohpurush’ Advani, since it was he who had emerged as the top iron ore mining baron in the country.

Advani was reportedly stumped. He confessed to his close aides, Venkaiah Naidu and Ananth Kumar that if the BJP was not to rust, its iron will will have to be demonstrated. He reportedly threatened to start a padyatra from New Delhi to his birthplace in Sindh, Pakistan carrying a photograph of Mohammed Ali Jinnah, if Reddy was not dumped in the legal minefield.

It required much cajoling to change the direction of his proposed yatra but Advani would not settle for anything less than an assurance that the BJP washed its hands off the mining czar and two, no one ever to challenge his `Iron man’ tagline.

So Nitin Gadkari was asked to strike while the iron was hot. After the CBI arrested Janardhana Reddy, he told the Karnataka BJP that he will show his iron fist and that he will put his full weight of 103 kg behind chief minister Sadananda Gowda.

“People underestimate my ability to throw my weight around,” Gadkari is reported to have told Gowda, urging him to iron out his differences with the rest of the Bellary clan.

(Pic courtesy : www.facenfacts.com)

At an emergency meeting of the YSR Congress party in Hyderabad, suggestions were forthcoming on how Jagan should shift to wearing an elegant `pancham’ like his father, the late Y S Rajasekhara Reddy. But the idea was vetoed as the Kadapa MP is forever in the midst of crowds and it will be difficult for him to handle the pancham without a belt to hold it at the waist.

Meanwhile, CBI sources are tightlipped about if and when the investigating agency will arrest Jagan in the disproportionate assets case. Tenali Rama has learnt the dilemma is because of Jagan’s penchant to conduct Odarpu (condolence) for people who are in mourning. And given that there are people like Ramalinga Raju and Janardhana Reddy who are mourning their stay inside Hyderabad’s Chanchalguda Prison, the CBI is not sure if it should lodge him there.

Meanwhile, the Chanchalguda Jail superintendent has lodged a complaint with his higher-ups against the Reddy from Bellary who has reportedly managed to scribble `Made in Obulapuram’ on each one of the iron bars in his cell at the Jail.