According to news reports, 24-year-old Bilawal is reported to be considering settling down in Switzerland with Hina, 11 years older. Sources in Islamabad have told Tenali Rama that it is Bilawal’s choice of country that has upset President Zardari more.

The news that was first broken by a Bangladeshi tabloid said Hina’s husband, businessman Firoze Gulzar reportedly sought the government’s help to get call details of the mobile phones of the duo but President Zardari reportedly could obtain only 10 per cent of the details. Opposition parties have slammed Zardari saying this is why har ek friend zaroori hota hai.

The Pakistan government has however dismissed the tabloid’s news as rubbish. In a statement it said : “We decided to settle the issue on the cricket field. Yesterday our cricket team took revenge on Bangladesh by thrashing them in the T20 World Cup in Sri Lanka. We have won the war against yellow journalism. The matter is closed.”

However, Pakistan’s terror network has refused to take the matter lying down. Hafeez Saeed, the godfather of terrorists in south Asia, has expelled the Bangladesh-based terror network HuJi from the Association of Terrorists Against India for a period of three years. This means HuJi terrorists will not be able to undergo refresher courses during the summer at Saeed’s school.

When President Zardari called Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh on Wednesday to wish him on his 80th birthday, Dr Singh reportedly advised Zardari to initiate CBMs (confidence building measures) with his son.

Meanwhile, India’s foreign minister S M Krishna has requested Dr Manmohan Singh for a change of portfolio. “Soon there will be no charm left in this job. If there is a vacancy in the post of Ambassador to Switzerland, I am willing,” he told the PM. Beni Prasad Verma is likely to be appointed India’s new foreign minister.

(Thanks also to Madhavan Narayanan’s tweet for inspiration)

“Manmohan Singh ji, I assure you that you will be safe,” said Sonia Gandhi to Dr Singh at the station, in full media glare. But Manmohan Singh was adamant he wanted to return to Assam. “That is my home. I had declared so in my Rajya Sabha election affidavit,” he replied. Government sources told Tenali Rama that the national capital is agog with rumours that the CAG report on Coalgate will endanger Manmohan Singh’s continuance at 7 Race Course Road.

Assam chief minister Tarun Gogoi, addressing a press conference in Guwahati, appealed to Dr Singh not to return to Assam. “I appeal to Dr Singh that he should stay in Delhi only. I have spoken to Sonia ji and she has assured me that Dr Singh will be safe,” he said.

Meanwhile, Union IT minister Kapil Sibal has been instructed to ban MMS and bulk SMS-es for a fortnight. “We want to show to the BJP that only the Congress High command has the right to ban MMS,” Sibal said. The ministry is also trying to assuage Dr Singh’s feelings by imposing restrictions on social media sites and websites that contain inflammatory material against the MP from Assam.

“Our north-eastern brothers need not feel insecure at all. We will do all it takes to save their jobs and provide security,” said Sushil Shinde, Union Home minister. However, Shinde was touched to the quick when Samajwadi party MP Jaya Bachchan asked me for a clarification on Assam.

“Sister, this is not a filmy issue,” he said, inviting protests from BJP’s resident film critic L K Advani who pointed out that the same cannot be said about Coalgate as several films like `Kaala Pathar’ and `Koyla’ have been shot in the coalmines.

“Amitabh Bachchan ji aur Shahrukh Khan ne bahut badiya kaam kiya tha dono filmo me,” he said. Tenali Rama has learnt that BJP leader Shatrughan Sinha is upset that Advani was `khamosh‘ over his acting performance in `Kaala Patthar’.

Note : Apologies in advance if anyone’s sentiments are hurt by this report. This is a work of satire.

His 35-minute silence was converted into sounds and amplified through the speakers. Though Singh maintained his trademark silence, all the countrymen got to listen to his message on a variety of subjects. The words flowed through the speakers and reverberated across the Red Fort ground while television channels beamed them live.

Not many know that there is science behind the sounds. “It is a red letter day for the scientific community. We have demonstrated a key technology that gives voice to the voiceless,” said a spokesman of the Advanced Acoustics Research lab at IIT, Delhi.

The indigenously developed technology should not be confused with the Speech Generating Device (SGD), made famous by internationallyrenowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “Unlike Hawking who uses an advanced computer system to build up words and then send them to a voice synthesizer, our Prime Minister can just remain silent, as he usually does, and the device will take care of communicating with the world,” explained a researcher associated with the CSIR-funded project.

A complex set of algorithms and intelligence systems built into the system will enable the Prime Minister to produce some re-assuring sounds, whether it is about the gloomy economy, power outages, scams or threats from Mamata Banerjee. For instance, when terrorists strike any part of the country, the phrases like “we will not be cowed down by acts of cowardice”, “Terrorism has no religion” and “We will bring the culprits to book” will flow from the wonder machine even while the Prime Minister remains tight-lipped.

In tune with the new technological development, the rules and procedures of the Parliament will be amended to replace the expression “written reply from Leader of the House” with “digitally synthesized reply”. Consequently, no supplementary questions will be handled by the Prime Minister.

The technological invention has cheered up the Congress leadership which has been facing constant criticism over Prime Minister’s deafening silence even in the face of serious crises. “This device should silence our critics. If BJP takes pride in its “Loh Purush” (Advani), we are proud of our “Silicon Purush”,” said an AICC spokesman.

However, the saffron party is not impressed with the invention. “We have a Prime Minister whose functioning is remote controlled by 10, Janpath and now we are told that even his voice is not his own. At best, we can describe Manmohan Singh as the country’s first ventriloquist Prime Minister,” said BJP spokesman Ravishankar Prasad.

(Contributed by Suresh Dharur from Hyderabad)

Following the minister’s ‘Mission Twenty-Five 20’ announcement, there were hectic parleys on how to make this achievable. Reliable sources say that Laloo Prasad Yadav, who turned around Railways (a claim refuted by Mamta Banerjee), has been chosen to head the panel on Mission Twenty-Five 20. “Since Laloo now has no effective Central and state role, he has been chosen for this job to promote sports in the country,” a Sports ministry official told Tenali Rama. Laloo was excited about the offer. He told journalists that “Hum Nitish ko dikhayenge ki Bihar sports me kisi se Kom nahi.” [We will show Nitish Kumar that Bihar is second to none in sports] .

It is also understood that Sports Ministry made ‘strategic’ plans before the minister made the announcement. “We are closely watching the Medals Table,” said one official familiar with the development.

“Hum ne Hussein Bolt ko chithi likhi hai aur yeh poocha ki kab hum training ke liye Baghdad aa sakte hein. Humhe kushi hai ki woh Saddam Hussein ke third cousin ke bete hain.” [We have written a letter to Hussein Bolt asking him when we can come to Baghdad for training. We are happy that he is Saddam Hussein’s third cousin’s son.]

The plan also is to send 54 delegations to all the 54 countries that are ahead of India in the medals tally. According to medals obtained by each country, the delegates will be sent. “For example, we will send 104 delegates to United States of America, which has won 104 medals. Each delegate will talk to the medallist to understand their medal plan,” explained an official.

The delegate visit is expected to take two years to complete. “We are also trying to put diplomatic pressure on Ethiopia to lend us some medallist sportspersons for exchange of wheat and rice,” the official added. Ethiopia has won 3 gold medals in a total of 7 medals.

After the delegate visits, a blueprint will be prepared in two years’ time. Then preparations are expected to start around 2016 when next Olympics will be held. Asked if the government has any specific plans in mind for the 2016 Olympics, the official said, “We will completely revamp the hockey team. In future, we will have equal number of players from both Hockey India and Indian Hockey Federation.”

(Report contributed by Venkatesh Krishnamoorthy from Chennai)

Christened as NETA (New Experiment in Troubled Asia), the research project seeks to find answers to the age-old questions like whether honesty ever existed in the precincts of the massive circular edifice or whether it ever offered conditions favourable to sustain civility.

However, some sceptics within the NASA establishment have questioned the rationale behind the exploration. “The chances of this mission proving successful are as bright as finding a twin of Sunny Leone on Mars,” said a dissident scientist.

“This is the most complex and challenging experiment ever undertaken because we are out to explore something that many believe is non-existent,” a top NASA scientist said. Even a feeble sign of integrity in nano dimension will be picked up by the advanced radars fitted to the nuclear-powered rover to be lowered inside the Sansad Bhavan using a complex set of manoeuvres.

The sophisticated rover will thoroughly survey the barren and lifeless six-acre area of the Parliament House including its famed sandstone columns, looking for “upright souls”. Its robotic arms will collect the samples like copies of government bills and statements, abandoned by the MPs on their tables or dustbins, and parcel out these samples into analytical laboratory instruments inside the rover.

The high resolution images of the members’ antics inside the House, particularly in the central hall, will be relayed to the NASA control room for psychological evaluation of their conscientiousness or lack of it. The rover will use its on-board instruments to analyse the gibberish speeches and verbal duels to understand whether there was any period in the Parliament’s history that was conducive for honesty to survive.

“The scientific objective of this mission is to understand how the world’s largest democracy has come to be governed by two simple yet elegant instruments—deception and falsehood,” the project director said.

The Indian-origin scientists, who constitute a major chunk of the workforce at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, are excited about the experiment. “Look, we finally have an opportunity to prove that our decision to leave our country was right,” said a young Indian-born scientist.

Back home, politicians across the board, on a predictable note, found the title of the project provocative. “This is yet another display of American imperialism and a blatant interference in the internal affairs of our country,” thundered CPI (M) General Secretary Prakash Karat. The BJP and its saffron affiliates saw the NETA mission as an affront on Indian sensibilities. They went a step further and claimed that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was in fact a “robot” planted by Americans as part of their larger agenda to capture the Indian market.

The Congress spin master Kapil Sibal, however, said that the impact of the NASA experiment on India’s image was only “notional”.

(This report is contributed by Suresh Dharur from Hyderabad)

New Delhi July 31, 2012

Whatta day ! Whatta day ! Kya din tha aur ab kya raat hai ! I write this in the glow of a candle as the lights are still off in my part of VIP Delhi. This Power minister Veerappa Moily, he needs to pull his socks, I tell you.

But let me not let greedy Haryana, UP, Punjab and Rajasthan spoil my evening. I have got a promotion, Yay with the kind blessings of Smt Sonia Gandhi ji, Shri Rahul Gandhi ji, Smt Priyanka Gandhi Vadra ji and Shri Robert Vadra ji, I am now the Home minister Honourable Home minister of India. Sounds smart, doesn’t it? What a slap it is on the faces of those critics who said I could never put my house in order. They will see how I have been sent home sent to the Home Ministry.

I promise everyone I will be an Adarsh ideal Home minister. I must also remember to go early and occupy the chair next to the PM at the next cabinet meeting. Sharad Pawar will see what a powerful Marathi manoos I am.

Salman also is a happy boy today. With all of Delhi investing in candles, there are no candles to burn for Team Anna to protest against Madam’s government.

Ok, let me now list out the problems I will face now because Madam may ask tomorrow if I did my homework. Home-work, now that has a nice ring to it

Main problems : Modi, Adarsh, Pawar, Deshmukh, Ashok

Have to keep an eye on : Maoist activity, pakistan, assam, telangana, Team Anna

Extracurricular problems : Team Anna, Ramdev

Oh, the candle is melting fast. So let me finish this.

Congratulations to myself. Well done, Sushil.

Ah ! I feel emotional. My last day in office. Over the last few days, there has been too much small talk over lunch, tea and dinner. Boring stuff, meeting the same set of people. The dinner at PM’s home was so so. I must remember to call and tell Gursharan that in addition to Punjabi cuisine, she should add a few foreign exotic dishes. Maybe I will gift the recipe books I picked up in Mexico and Spain.

As I sit in my new home (note : my future home in Pune is getting ready), I know what Pranab da must be doing now. He must have got lost in the labyrinth of rooms at Rashtrapati Bhavan I have advised Pranab da to avoid any foreign trips in the first couple of months so that he gets used to the new residence and the route he should take from the living quarters to the official quarters. Or to Ashoka Hall. Or to Mughal Gardens.

Like a good tenant should do when he or she is vacating the house, I passed on useful tips to Mrs Mukherjee. I told her about the water shortage in the area and her reaction was amusing. When I said, “paani subah 11 baje se 2 baje tak nahi aata and then again between 5 and 6, she said, ui baba. Hamare 13 Talkatora Road me to chaubis ghanta paani aata tha.” She wished she knew about it earlier. I counselled her to travel outside India during the summer and also told her the warranty period of the inverter’s battery expires in November.

I also told Mrs Mukherjee not to buy turmeric and chilly powder from the retail outlet near Rashtrapati Bhavan as he charges more than the one which is near PM’s house on Race Course Road. But she was more keen to know if there is a pond with fish in the estate where she and Pranab da can go fishing.

As I was leaving, my grandchild showed me his collection of airline tags, the ones that are put on hand baggage. He loves collecting them. With a sad face, he said he has only 1998 tags. Two more and he would have felt so happy. Wish I had known, I could have visited Seychelles and Maldives to improve India’s relations with them.

I wish to note here that contrary to some mischievous reports, I left Rashtrapati Bhavan today with nothing more than fond memories and fridge magnets brought from different countries.

Now time for me to end, need to check what’s for dinner tonight. Patil saab wanted to have rasam.

Both Pawar and Patel were admitted to the UPA school under the Right to Equity (RTE) Act from Maharashtra and their families have now alleged discrimination against their children. When Pranab Mukherjee, the deputy monitor of the class took a TC and moved to a boarding school in a hill station called Raisina Hill, Pawar assumed he will take Mukherjee’s place. That was not to be with another student, Antony, made to sit next to class monitor Manmohan Singh.

The UPA school management told Tenali Rama that the academic performance of Pawar and Patel was found unsatisfactory and therefore the decision.

“Sharad plays cricket all the while, neglecting his studies, while Praful is such a football-crazy kid, I tell you. And then he keeps the company of that Vijay Mallya (in pic) who does not even pay his car driver his salary. I totally disapprove,” disclosed Sonia Gandhi, the school principal.

But Pawar and Patel are not without support. Another student from Maharashtra, Suresh Kalmadi, has also voiced his protest, saying he was suspended from the school only because some sports equipment that belonged to the school was found at his home. Sources say another Maharashtra student, Prithviraj Chavan too is unhappy that he was asked to leave the UPA school and forced to take admission in a Marathi medium state board school in Mumbai.

Meanwhile, the UPA school is excited over a new student called Rahul Gandhi who will take admission next semester. Tenali Rama has learnt that he is gaining entry in the middle of the term because he comes with a strong recommendation. This despite Rahul having flunked his exams at his previous two schools in Patna and Lucknow and inspite of reports that he has a tendency to bunk school to holiday abroad. Sources say his tution master, one Digvijay Singh from Bhopal, is not a good influence on him and encourages him to tear the answer sheets of other students. 

In this student’s case, something unheard of is also likely to take place. Rahul Gandhi will be taught only the subjects of his choice and his exam paper will be evaluated not by external invigilators but by fellow students – Salman Khurshid and Rajiv Shukla, who are his friends.

“We totally deny this. The only state actor who is active in Hindoostan, is Veena Malik. And yes, we admit there is an ISI hand in it. But to blame Abu Jundal on Pakistan is not acceptable. ISI does not give membership to non-Pakistanis. You need a domicile certificate for it. And ISI is a respectable organisation that does serious research work in different regions,” Malik explained.

Responding to Rehman Malik’s statement, Union foreign minister S M Krishna accused Pakistan of giving Jundal a wild card entry into India.

“You are not playing by the rules. You gave him a wild card entry to play doubles along with Kasab against India. This is not good sportsmanship. So long as I am in charge, I will not let anyone – be it the AITA or the players – decide the doubles combinations. It is humiliating how you are using Jundal as a bait to try and pacify one of the disgruntled generals of the Pakistan Army and the ISI,” Krishna said.

Earlier, Malik also criticised India over making an issue of Surjeet’s release while keeping Sarabjeet in custody.

Krishna replied, “This kind of confusion is unheard of in our country. I would counsel Pakistan to send a team of its ministers to Lisbon and study our practises, the way we govern Portugal so efficiently. Pakistan seems to suffer from governance deficit and it needs to learn lessons from Dr Manmohan Singh, the honourable prime minister of Portugal.”

Wearing his political cap, Krishna also gave a call for Rahul Gandhi to be made a minister. The Congress general secretary has been abroad for most of the time since the party’s defeat in the Uttar Pradesh elections. Congress leaders have been regretting in private that Rahul Gandhi as President of India would have been the ideal successor to globetrotter Pratibha Patil.

This is how a news meeting at a well-known television station decided to cover the news.

Editor : So everyone is in? OK. This bloody fire also had to happen today. Ruined my Sunday.

Production Assistant : Fire is raging, S. We asked N to go but he said he is at his in-laws home in Trans Yamuna. He suggested we sent D but D says he is yet to recover from last night’s hangover. What do we do?

Editor : Shucks. So what are we putting on air?

News Editor : I called up R and asked her to do a phone-in over pictures. She was watching `Gangs of Wasseypur’ but the background sound at the theatre made it seem as if she is on the spot. I told her about the visuals of the window and the ladder and she managed to paint a picture quite well. The viewer wouldn’t know better.

Editor : Good, that was smart thinking. Ok, now some ideas I thought of while I was driving in. Let us speak to some of the employees in the Home ministry and ask them if Chidambaram switches off the lights and fans before he leaves the office. Let us have a graphic plate that says 65 % of employees say Chidambaram is careful, 35 % say he is careless. Let us also file an RTI asking the same information. Get someone to go out to the market near our office and ask common people if they think HM of India should be more careful and remember to switch off his AC.

News Editor : Why not get some celebrities to talk about it? Will add to TRPs, you know. Can we get Karan Johar, Kareena Kapoor and may be, Virat Kohli on this.

Intern : Sir, I was googling and I found some movie made on fire called Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag. Should I contact this chap?

News Editor : No, no. Only if there is an underworld angle to the fire.

Editor : This celebrity thing is a great idea. Don’t leave out the south. Let us get Chiranjeevi. He has recently become a Rajya Sabha MP. We can ask him if he feels worried about his safety in Delhi.

Production Assistant : I will quickly tell library to take out clips of any film of Chiranjeevi, where he is fighting a fire or some stunt like that. It will look good on a split screen.

News Editor : What about candle march? Why not we get our reporters in every city lighting candles to protest against frequent fires.

Editor : Candle march for fire? Mmmm. Not so sure how it will look. P, do we have a budget for candles?

(High profile anchor walks in)

Anchor : I want to anchor this evening bulletin from outside North Block. Can we get everyone to move and organise this?

Producer : Why not put a row of mashaals in the backdrop to symbolise fire. Will look dramatic. What say?

Anchor : Yes yes. But you need petrol to light them up for an hour. Get the budget for petrol approved please.

Producer : Shall I ask Marketing guys to speak to a fire extinguisher company to sponsor the show?

News Editor : Yes please. (turning to anchor) Who do you want as guests?

Anchor : Guests do not matter. When I talk, the nation listens. And today, I want to ask some pointed questions. Get someone from the BJP. Someone who sounds angry and will talk about how this shows no one in the government works on a Sunday. And Derek from TMC. We can ask him if he will reconsider his stand on Presidential election now that government is under fire from all sides.

News Editor : Who else?

Anchor : Someone from Maharashtra government.

News Editor : Articulate fire victims? Fire officers?

Anchor : Ya ok. And yeah, a band that will perform at the end. Isn’t there some band called Agnee or Fire or something like that? Let us jazz it up.

Intern : I will google.

Editor : Let us also have a SMS question. Is India not serious about fire safety? SMS Yes or No.

News Editor : That was brilliant. I will tweet it also, make this question go viral. It will show our channel as being responsible about issues concerning society.

Editor : So let us get cracking right away.