“Main to pehle hi keh raha tha. Yeh FDI aayega to local talent kuch nahi kar payega. Pehle England ki cricket team bheji, phir Wal-mart aur Tesco bhi aa jayenge. Main to bolta hoon, khelo hi mat inse,” said Yadav.

Mulayam’s suggestion has received support from the Left and the Trinamool Congress which sees in England’s triumph the beginning of the second reign of East India Company. They have charged the BCCI with doing the government’s bidding by already inducting FDI in the form of Duncan Fletcher.

“What a flop he has proved. That just shows FDI in retail and in cricket are bad. Fletcher must also be Maoist,” said Mamata Banerjee.

In an interesting development, Leader of Opposition in the Rajya Sabha, Arun Jaitley who is also a cricket administrator said the defeat has vindicated his position on FDI. “Just like I said, FDI has reduced our Indian cricket team to a bunch of salesboys. Now what will Zaheer, Harbhajan and Yuvraj do except sell some products on television. India should say a clear no to Cook, Pietersen and Swann.”

However, BSP supremo Mayawati is in favour of India playing against England in Nagpur. “Remember the match is being played in Nagpur, the RSS headquarters. If India does not play, the communal forces will take over. So in the interest of secularism, I totally support India playing. With my support, India will win the match also,” she said. The Congress has welcomed Mayawati’s stand on the contentious issue.

The ruling party has also refuted the allegations against Fletcher. Union commerce minister Anand Sharma accused the opposition of duplicity, pointing out that FDI in cricket was successful in Gujarat. “After all, with the same Duncan Fletcher, India won the Ahmedabad Test. So how can something that works in Gujarat be bad for the rest of India,” he asked.

Meanwhile, Arvind Kejriwal has demanded that a referendum be carried out in the country to ask whether India should continue playing cricket. “Referendum is done in Switzerland, why can’t it be done in India?” he asked. In an unrelated development, Press Council of India chairman Markandey Katju has raised the percentage of “idiots in India” to 91.7%.

N Srinivasan, BCCI president : Are you the CBI? Why should I answer your question?

Kris Srikkanth, Chairman of Selectors : What inner voice? Don’t you irritate me with your question. Agar tum mere ko ungli karega to, I will also finger you.

Sachin Tendulkar : Aila. That’s my inner voice

Vinod Kambli : My inner voice says I took the stairs while Sachin took the elevator

Sanjay Dutt : Inner voice bole to

Greg Chappell : That Bengali?

Sourav Ganguly : That Aussie?

Sushil Kumar Shinde : This inner voice subject is very filmy

Swami Nithyananda : Come to my room. There I will tell you about my inner voice

Digvijay Singh : VVS Laxman called me at 5 pm yesterday and told me about his inner voice

Kapil Dev : Retire, retire, retire

Pratibha Patil : Can we discuss about this in Seychelles?

Ravi Shastri : It is obvious the inner voice hit Laxman like a tracer bullet

Mahesh Bhupathi : Inner voice is to say never to play alongside Leander Paes

Shahid Afridi : My inner voice says I am 18 years old

Vijay Mallya : I wish my striking pilots would listen to my voice instead of their inner voice

Dr Manmohan Singh : Inner voice? I will have to ask Madam

S M Krishna : Portugal? No? Hina Rabbani Khar? No?

President Zardari : 10 per cent

President Pranab Mukherjee : Inner woes? I have no woes now

Kapil Sibal : Zero loss

Aamir Khan : Profound. Really profound. I should have discussed this in Satyamev Jayate

L K Advani : I do not know about VVS. My inner voice says I will be PM one day.

Sushma Swaraj, Arun Jaitley, Nitin Gadkari, Narendra Modi : (in chorus) : We too.

Calling China its natural ally in match-fixing, a spokesperson of the Pakistan Foreign Office said, “We are elated to note that the Chinese system also has a place for cheats in the world of sport. For long, the world has looked at Pakistan as the sole fountainhead of terror match-fixing. We look forward to forging stronger ties with Beijing in producing more match-fixers.”

Though Islamabad has extended a similar invitation to South Korea and Indonesia (the other two countries whose teams were also disqualified), Tenali Rama has learnt that it has been cold shouldered. Pakistan now wants to work closely with China to share match-fixing know-how and devise ways and means of perfecting the technique of match-fixing to avoid getting caught.

“You see, just like the Chinese women’s doubles team, our cricket players too got caught for spot-fixing. Bookies and sports experts from both countries will sit across the table to discuss how the players can fix without getting noticed. Along with cooperation in the field of rogue nuclear weapons, China and Pakistan will cooperate in transfer of knowledge in the field of match fixing,” the spokesperson said.

The Pakistan Cricket Board has also offered to teach cricket to the Chinese. The Chinese are reportedly excited with the idea of having a Chinese Premier League in the near future. According to sources, the matches will be held close to the Indo-China border and if the ball falls in Arunachal Pradesh, China will lay claim to the territory.

In return, Chinese badminton coaches will set up academies in Pakistan cities. ISI is however worried that if the LeT and the Al-Qaeda get interested in badminton and drop their guns and bullets for racquets and shuttlecocks, it could badly affect Pakistan’s economy.

Meanwhile, in order to have a headstart in badminton, the Badminton Association of Pakistan (BAP) has requested former cricketer Salim Malik, who was banned for match-fixing, to advise it. “Janaab Salim Malik Saab has lot of experience in the field. We hope he will guide us on how not to get caught in the net,” said a BAP official.

Sachin Tendulkar : Welcome back, Anand. Congratulations.

Viswanathan Anand : Thanks Sachin. Congratulations are due to you too.

Sachin : Me? Why?

Anand : On your 100th hundred.

Sachin : Oh. Oh. I thought you are referring to my new hairstyle.

Anand : Ah, well that too looks cool.

Sachin : Tell me, it was a very tough World championship, it went down to the wire …

Anand : (laughing) Now that was a Ravi Shastri line, isn’t it? Yes, but I went through at the end like a tracer bullet. (laughs) And in the end, Viswanathan Anand was the winner. (laughs)

Sachin : Aila. You follow cricket so closely. I will tell Ravi. He will be flattered.

Anand : To answer your question, yes it was tough. I opened with 21 Bxg3. Then I tried to open out with 22.Ra3 and then tried to break out with 27.Rxb7. Gelfand replied with 28.Qxh6. In the other game, my second suggested I open differently with C3.

Sachin : (interrupts) Aila. Chess and cricket are so similar. I also sometimes open with Sehwag, sometimes with Gambhir, sometimes with Richard Levi. Like your second, Dhoni suggested the rotation policy so everytime my opening was different in Australia.

Anand : Ya ya. I am not finished yet. So C4 moved to e6 and bishop moved two places ahead and tried to checkmate.

Sachin : (interrupts) Anand, Anand. Forget all this. Are you an attacking or a defensive player?

Anand : I am an all-rounder.

Sachin : Don’t say that. The media will then call you another Ravinder Jadeja.

Anand : Another Ravi? Does he play chess?

Sachin : Aila, no. He also plays cricket. Hey, I remembered you did not congratulate me for becoming an MP.

Anand : Oh ya. Congratulations. Now you are an Elder.

Sachin : No, I am younger to you.

Anand : (smiles) What are your plans?

Sachin : I am going to lobby for the Bharat Ratna.

Anand : (surprised, eyebrows raised) Really? You are being rather candid, I say.

Sachin : Why not? I am an MP so I think I can talk about it and I think it will be richly deserved.

Anand : But won’t it be too awkward to say I want the Bharat Ratna

Sachin : Why? Why? I am an MP, I will speak in Rajya Sabha and say Anand deserves it.

Anand : Oh my. You mean you will lobby for me? Oh my, I am touched. No, I am embarrassed. No, I am overwhelmed. No, I am at a loss for words.

Sachin : You said so many words just now. My friend, you are a Bharat Ratna. I will lobby for you. This is Tendulkar’s zubaan for you.

Anand : What is zzzzzz ban?

Sachin : Tongue. I give you my tongue .. err.. word. I promise I will lobby for you, Anand.

Anand : Thanks. Can I now tell you about the moves I made against Gelfand?

Sachin : (ignoring Anand’s request) And on that wonderful note, we come to the end of this interview. Thankyou Anand.

“Young people below 30 in Chennai now think that somehow they will be able to finish the project even if it runs into repeated trouble at the early stages,” said an HR expert.” Another HR executive with Ford at Maraimalainagar said, “The job seekers believe that even if there is a minor fault, it will set itself corrected automatically when fitted into the car.”

One senior executive who was seen outside one of the Chennai offices said, “I have worked in Bangalore, Hyderabad and Mumbai for so long. I have never got what is due to me. I want to see my fortunes revived with promotion and perks on adding my office address in Chennai.”

All colleges in Chennai in the admission season have reported a four-fold increase in applicants. A parent from Dharwad in Karnataka said, “What’s the use in applying to colleges in Bangalore? The seniors in those colleges only end up breaking the nose of young students. And the Principal of the college will allege that the students are all over him. I think Chennai will be best for my son.”

According to Perumal Astrology Center in T Nagar, many young boys are changing their name to versions of Mahendra. One unsuccessful entrepreneur Balachandran has changed his name to Mahendran, hoping for a revival of fortunes in business. Another businessman Pradeep Singh from Chandigarh has changed his name to Mahendra Singh and has shifted to Chennai.

Sigma maternity hospital in Chennai has reported that all boys born in the hospital in the last week have been named Mahendra, Mahendran or Dhoni. Girl children were named Mahi, Maheshwari or Sakshi. “If I name my daughter after Dhoni’s wife, she will turn as lucky as her,” one proud mother, Kamakshi told Tenali Rama.

(Contributed by Mahendra Singh Venkatesh Krishnamoorthy from Chennai)

But I have a few things to say and I won’t say it on Twitter this time. I was given to understand that DC that got RCB out of the playoffs, is close to CSK which is why Dale Steyn and J P Duminy reserved their best for the last. But that surprises me because DC was all over us yesterday evening. Now that is not how a `future’ partner should behave.

Someone in the DC team even asked me my BBM pin. When I gave it, I got a message telling me I would lose out on Net run rate. I thought DC would message me to talk about pumping money into Kingfisher Airlines. Tch. I guess everyone wants there (sic) 15 minutes and DC got it in the penultimate match of the league stage.

In fact, when Chris started his Gaylestorm at the stadium, I thought we would be home safe and dry. In fact, we have been so used to winning that I went to bed thinking we had won. But I woke up this morning with 100+ messages about the terrible loss… I still don’t know what went on …

First Rajasthan, now us. I guess everyone in Hyderabad loves a good victory. To people who want to criticise us saying we got distracted by the Luke episode, I just want to ask them, were you there? Do you know what happened? If you don’t, then shut the fuck up.

What’s the road ahead of us? Well, I now look around at the airports and see some of our grounded aircraft. Some friends tell me I should board one of the flights that will take off and fly to the US to join Hollywood. And make Sidhartha Mallya fans watch me on the big screen.

That sounds good. Life isn’t that bad, after all.

“The United States of America gives utmost importance to peace in the Indian sub-continent. Incidents such as the one that took place two days ago at the Wankhede stadium in Mumbai can aggravate tensions in the region,” the statement said.

A travel advisory has also been issued to Americans not to venture near the Wankhede stadium where the IPL, which (the advisory explains) is a different version of American baseball, is taking place. American nationals are also “advised not to use the words MCA and BCCI as they phonetically resemble swear words in Hindi, which is the national language of India.”

“You would recall whenever Mr Khan visits the USA, we detain him at the airport. But please appreciate, as he himself admitted at Yale University, we detain him only when he is feeling arrogant. We want to reiterate the USA has no role to play in the affairs of the MCA,” a spokesperson of the Foreign Office told Tenali Rama.

Foreign minister S M Krishna has thanked the USA for its concern and has promised swift action to resolve the crisis.

“I spoke to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and personally assured her all will be well soon. I have invited her to the Wankhede stadium in Mumbai the next time she visits India and plant a sapling as a symbol of peace,” he said.

After reports that children were manhandled by security officers at the Wankhede, a concerned Australia too has asked the BCCI for a report on its children who are playing in the IPL. An Australia Cricket Board official told Tenali Rama over phone from Melbourne that kids like Michael Clarke, Brett Lee and Shaun Marsh need to be taken care of.

“At least Adam Gilchrist is grown-up, he can look after himself. And he has a feisty local guardian in Preity Zinta who we are confident, will ensure he is safe,” he said.

Pakistan meanwhile, has accused India of moving troops towards the LoC, taking advantage of the world attention focussed on Shahrukh Khan.

“First they do not let Pakistanis play in the IPL. Then they create these controversies. It is high time Hindoostan puts its own house in order. If they have the courage, meet us on the cricket field, why come on to the battlefield,” a spokesperson of the Pakistan Defence Ministry said.

“Life is a mystery. So what is hidden should actually be hidden and by not hiding it, the people have played hide and seek with justice and law. The TV channel should be hidden from public view. To trap a noble profession like cricketer is a crime against God. Because cricket is religion in this country. And Sachin Tendulkar is God. So they have actually hurt Bhagwan Tendulkar. Paapam, paapam. Very bad, very bad,” Swami Nityananda said during his morning discourse at his ashram.

In attendance were the five cricketers, dressed in orange attire, which suspiciously looked like the Kochi Tuskers colours of IPL4. When contacted, Kochi Tuskers denied that it lent the orange robes to the cricketers, saying the cricketing flannels from last year’s IPL have already been given away in charity.

Swami Nityananda has also suggested another line of defence to the cricketers. “Every man has six more lookalikes in this world. That is God’s maya. Ah, I see you nodding my son. Yes, even Mayawati has six lookalikes in the universe. So you should say to the BCCI probe team that it was not you but someone else who the hidden camera caught on tape,” he said.

Meanwhile, the IPL franchisees are discussing how to deal with the fallout of the sting operation.

“I do not like this hidden camera business. I like only roving camera. Look at my latest news video. How do you like it?” asked Sidhartha Mallya at the meeting, distributing the DVDs. (see video)

The TV channel however, received support from filmmaker Ramgopal Varma, who tweeted that he appreciated the “rogue” camerawork.

“Wow, I like the rogue camerawork in the sting operation. Better than my film `Department’. Cameraperson do get in touch with me if you want to shoot my next film, `Maindak ki barbaadi’.”

(Inspired by a mail by Venkatesh Krishnamoorthy)

Hyderabad : The man who you see in the photograph might just become the new owner of the Hyderabad IPL team. Sources, who insist they are reliable, say the Deccan Chargers management, impressed with his batting skills, approached him to replace Darren Lehmann as coach. That was when he surprised Gayatri Reddy by telling her he was more interested in buying the team.

The Finolex mascot reportedly told Gayatri that “even if all fast bowler rascals come together” he can hit all of them for a six. Dale Steyn was then made to bowl to him and found himself receiving the kind of treatment that A B de Villiers of Royal Challengers Bangalore meted out to him the other night.

(see video) 

The DC team, which is at the bottom of the IPL pile this season, is divided over whether to draft the Rajinikanth-lookalike into the team, where he wants to be owner, mentor, coach and player. Lehmann is not impressed and complains the batsman “sledges too much”.

“Even we Aussies do not get under the bowler’s skin like that, mate. I think the Mumbai Indians should buy him as he will feel at home in the company of Harbhajan Singh and Munaf Patel,” he told Tenali Rama. But captain Kumar Sangakkara says he is more than willing to give up his job to the Finolex star and take the first flight back to Colombo.

When Tenali Rama asked the Finolex star where he learnt his cricketing skills, he said, “This is a leader’s style to bring a miracle.” His support staff said he was disturbed at DC being called the Dis-Charged team instead of Deccan Chargers and hence the offer.

DC management sources have however denied any move to sell the team and accused vested interests among rival teams and the media of trying to distract the team from performing well.

“It is one of the reasons why she nominated me to the Rajya Sabha. She said to me in Marathi that she really liked my new hairdo and asked me to keep it,” revealed Tendulkar.

This is the second time the President of a country has appreciated an Indian cricketer’s hairstyle. In 2008, while playing an one-dayer in Pakistan, M S Dhoni’s mane came in for praise from the then Pakistan president Parvez Musharraf who told him to ignore placards in the ground that ask him to get a haircut and asked him not to cut his hair short.

(see video)

Sachin Tendulkar Fans Association has also condemned calls to “Tendulkar ke baal ek bilang choti kar do” as anti-national. In a statement, it said Indian fans should appreciate that the little master changed his hairstyle as penance for not giving a hair-raising performance in Australia.

Even presidential hopefuls follow cricket. Vice president Hamid Ansari apparently likes fast bowler Zaheer Khan’s retro look. The other frontrunner Pranab Mukherjee looked closely at Gautam Gambhir, the captain of Kolkata Knight Riders but found a major hair deficit there. Finance ministry sources told Tenali Rama that Pranab da may endorse KKR owner actor Shahrukh Khan’s hairdo.

A pleased SRK said, “Don’t forget I am also brand ambassador of West Bengal and if this way I can bring the Trinamool and Congress closer once again, I will be delighted. Political love is back in the hair, err, I mean air.”

Competition may be coming from Sreesanth who will be out of action for five months to undergo surgery on his toes. The Kerala speedster is likely to make a comeback in a new look.

(Pic courtesy : coolcricket.blogspot.com)